A peek into my world..

Post-College Depression

2010-08-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are, a year and a half later! I completely forgot I even had this journal, but I've decided I wanted to start writing again. I was reading Cody's blog earlier and it inspired me to start writing in mine again. So thank you, Cody!

Who knows if this is just a phase, just like the last time I got the urge to write. I wrote about 3 entries and completely abandoned it. I am hoping this time will be different, because nothing feels better than just getting things off of my chest, even if no one reads this. I feel like I have more to say these days (Imagine that, me, with MORE to say? scary!) but the last time I began blogging, I was just living a typical college life. Going to school (And by that I mean skipping 50% of the time and putting off homework until the last minute) and partying. Not exactly much to talk about, it was a pretty "blah" and unfulfilling lifestyle.

It really is amazing to me to see that only a year and a half later, I feel like a completely different person. Obviously this is partly due to the fact that I am in a different location 1000's of miles away and living a different life, but I truly feel smarter, wiser, and so much more prepared for what lies ahead. But with that being said, I am still a nervous wreck when I think about the fact that there is no going back. I am an adult, and no longer have the "still going to school" excuse for why I am working a crappy job.

The last 7 months after college were nothing short of shit-tastic, but as much as it sucked, it's amazing how much stronger I am because of it. I never thought 7 months could make such a difference, but they have. Nothing could have prepared me for how different life is after college and how fast it happens. There is no transition really, it's just one day you're studying your ass off for finals and then the next thing you know, you are spending all of your time trying to make yourself seem worthy on a piece of paper and trying to convince somoene, ANYONE, that you are worthy of work. Sounds blissful to not really have anything to do all day, every day, but it was the lowest I had ever felt. I had so much fear of never finding a job, screwing up every interview, destined to always fail. I really do think people have it right when they say this is the most difficult time in a persons life, and I hope that is true because it's really rough.

And now, while I do have a job and feel much better, it's not exactly the way I pictured my life. Sure, it's not like this is going to be my job forever, but you cant help but feel stuck. You are always told while growing up that you can do anything you want to do and be anyone you want to be, but I wonder if telling people this is more damaging than helpful. Just like when they said going to college was a guarantee to being successful. But maybe it's true that no matter how hard you try, there are some things that are just unattainable for this generation. And while I am not denying the importance of a degree, in today's world the value of a degree keeps decreasing. My generation is in a really tough spot because we were always told these things growing up but the opportunities that our parents had aren't available to us. So once we do find a job after college, it's usually just the first one we are offered, leaving us feeling the same way we felt when we were 18 years old working that crappy job that you always said would just hold you over until you got a "real" job.

So here I am, 24 years old and a college graduate, working a job I could have had at 18 years old. It's hard to not feel as if all of my hard work was a waste. I know it will benefit me in the future, but it seems almost impossible to cope with the fact that it could be many years before I have my "real" job that I always talked about, even though I still don't know what I want that job to be. *sigh* I just wonder how long it will take to finally feel successful..will I ever truly be satisfied?

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

2009-01-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

So today has been kind of a emotional roller coaster. I have experienced every single emotion in the book today, it's been kinda strange. I was really angry when I woke up because I just couldn't seem to sleep for the life of me and my cat was irritating me. Then I was really happy because after months of being ignored by a friend, I finally got in contact with him and kind of feel like I have closure now. The happiness only lasted for about 2 minutes, which then quickly turned to sadness because I learned the reasons as to why he stopped talking to me..and I felt like an asshole for not even realizing that I was hurting him. Cool. But at least we are civil now...it's just a bummer that I will probably never get to talk to him again. but I guess that happens sometimes..It's just really nice to have closure.

I feel relieved because it adds peace to my life, because even though I rarely ever have enemies, I really hate having pent up anger towards anyone. It's something that carries with me forever and I notice that I always have dreams about the person I have pent up anger with. It's like I have so much I want to say to that person and I dream about being able to finally say it..and it feels great. But then i wake up and realize it was a dream and I go back to being angry. it's a vicious cycle. Like I said, there is really only one or two people in my life I have this issue with, but I just want to let it go. They are not worth my time and I would much rather dream about more exhilarating things. I know for damn sure they don't dream about me or even think about me, so why must I hold on to it? Why must I let myself care about someone who doesn't care about me? Rule in life: Never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.

Anyways, so i was kinda bummed out all day because of that situation, and then I looked at my bank account and about broke down into tears because my money is disappearing so fast and it's all gone to bills. It's not like I've been irresponsible and bought myself all kinds of goodies, so at least I can say that. Even though I have a job now, it's not going to be very many hours. Like I said in a previous entry, my dad says I need to pay all of my bills from now on. That's AT LEAST 600 a month (thats IF i only eat like..once a day)...So after doing the math of how many hours I will be getting a week, I started having a panic attack basically when I realized there is no effing way I will be able to do this while I am going to school full time. I would have to get a 2nd job. So I called my mom in desperation and thank god she offered to loan me 200 dollars every month until summer to at least help with my rent portion of the bills. So between my moms money and my job, I *might* be able to make enough. And I tell ya, I couldn't be happier. She is amazing and a lot more understanding than my father. I know he is trying to teach me responsibility, and once I graduate college and get a job, I don't believe they ever have any obligation to help me pay my bills. but right now I need them, and I am so thankful for my mom for doing this. She even said she'd send me an extra 100 next month because the only pair of jeans I have are ripping and I can't even afford pants.

So anyway, now I am very relieved, but still sad about this days previous events. and bummed that I'm still sick and this weekend has been a complete bore. Maybe I'm just PMSing haha..but goodnesss...way too much emotion going on right about now. I'd say overall I am doing pretty good now knowing that I can pay my bills. I even signed up for about 5 websites that pay you to take surveys haha. I'm gonna find a way to make it by. :) If anyone has any other tips on making little bits of money here and there on the internet..let me know. every cent counts!

First day

2009-01-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

So, I have caved in and decided to finally get a blogger. I figured I might feel more compelled to write blogs on a snazzy little website like this, rather than myspace. I don't know, something about myspace blog bugs me. I probably would get 10x more readers on my myspace blog, since most people I am friends with don't have a a blogger, but oh well. I just feel like sharing my thoughts with the world, and even if that means I am the only one that ends up reading them, then that's ok :) It would be nice to pick up some followers along the way, so maybe I can catch your interest.

So anyway, it's 6:45 in the morning, and I can't remember the last time I was up this early. I have a 10 am class this quarter and waking up for it is pure torture..so that should tell you something about my sleeping habits. But today is different, since my 16 week old kitty has to be neutered today. Ok, I guess no cat HAS to be fixed, but as much as I love him, he is out of control! He is such a little trouble maker, like most kitties, and I am hoping that getting him neutered will calm his crazy ass down. Also, I don't want him to start spraying and marking his territory around the apartment. I definitely would love to get my deposit back on my apartment. Anyways, back to why I am up so early..So I knew I had to be up at 7:30ish to take him to the vet, which is a time of the morning I never see, unless I just haven't gone to bed then, haha. I went to bed around 1:30 am, but pretty much tossed and turned all night even though I was tired. I think when I KNOW I have to wake up early, it makes it hard for me to relax because I have this fear that I won't fall asleep or that I will oversleep. Hmm...yeah, I'm nuts. But regadless of why, I just couldn't sleep. I can't complain though, because if it weren't for that, then I may have never started this lovely blog!

I decided that even though it's only the third day of the quarter, I am gonna skip out on my two classes. (my third class is online). I know, I'm a lazy bum, but I know once i get home from the vet I am going to be dead tired and will want to just crash. Then of course I will probably sleep way too long and not able to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. Oh the vicious cycle..

Well, I guess that's all for my first post. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda excited about this blogging experience, ha. I had a Xanga for about 4 years and I actually wrote in it pretty regularly until about a year after I graduated high school and even though I was your typical idiot teenager back then, it's nice to be able to look back on 4 years of my life and re-live the experiences that I sometimes forget about. So here's to hopefully many more memories that I can look back on!