I know I dont post on here often, in fact I don't even think anyone even reads it, but that's ok with me. I really don't promote my blog much because it's mostly for me anyway.

Since I don't post often, it was only two posts ago where I talked about how excited I was for 2013. How I had a feeling THIS was going to be my year. I almost had to laugh when I ran across that blog post tonight, because I couldn't have been ANY more wrong about that if I had tried. It's only August and I can honestly say this has been the absolute worst year of my life.

I got a new job 6 months ago that I was so excited about and now I am miserable because it's not for me. But most importantly is I lost my mom, the most important person in my life. It's been four months since she died and there are days I dont even know how I am still going on with my life. Kind of feels like I am just going through the motions most days. I am totally fine some days and then other days, something random will remind me of her and I just have a complete meltdown. I so badly wish I could have had closure. The bright side of her dying so suddenly is that she never had to suffer or be fearful of death, but for the ones left living, it's torture to have it happen so unexpectedly and never have any closure. God I miss her so much it hurts.

Its so unfair. She had so much life left to live. I needed more time with her. I often wonder about how sad it will be to not have her there to help me pick out my wedding dress or the day I give birth to my children. And even then, to add to the list of shit, I don't see any of that happening in the near future because I cannot find a guy that is just NORMAL! I thought I found "the one": this year, but after only weeks. my feelings went from "he is the one" to complete and utter confusion as to why I even wanted to have a conversation with him. Either I am the most fickle and hard to please person out there or I just have not met the right guy. But damn...I sure hope it's the latter, because I would rather be single forever than settle with some weirdo. All I know is that I wanted to have kids by 30, well seeing as how I am 27, that doesnt give a whole lot of time. Especially considering it takes awhile of dating before marriage, and even after marriage you shouldnt jump right into having kids. I hate to think in those terms and I don't wanna rush anything but damn. I would like to do this stuff while my dad is at least alive...I only have one parent left for crying outloud :(

This blog is all over the place. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I am just getting out my frustrations with everything that has happened this year. Also, today is August 13th, which marks ONE year since my dog cocoa (she was my best friend) suddenly passed away. Damn, can I just say one more time..fuck this year. The Seahawks better make me proud this season so I can at least have one good thing happen this year.