Post-College Depression

Well, here we are, a year and a half later! I completely forgot I even had this journal, but I've decided I wanted to start writing again. I was reading Cody's blog earlier and it inspired me to start writing in mine again. So thank you, Cody!

Who knows if this is just a phase, just like the last time I got the urge to write. I wrote about 3 entries and completely abandoned it. I am hoping this time will be different, because nothing feels better than just getting things off of my chest, even if no one reads this. I feel like I have more to say these days (Imagine that, me, with MORE to say? scary!) but the last time I began blogging, I was just living a typical college life. Going to school (And by that I mean skipping 50% of the time and putting off homework until the last minute) and partying. Not exactly much to talk about, it was a pretty "blah" and unfulfilling lifestyle.

It really is amazing to me to see that only a year and a half later, I feel like a completely different person. Obviously this is partly due to the fact that I am in a different location 1000's of miles away and living a different life, but I truly feel smarter, wiser, and so much more prepared for what lies ahead. But with that being said, I am still a nervous wreck when I think about the fact that there is no going back. I am an adult, and no longer have the "still going to school" excuse for why I am working a crappy job.

The last 7 months after college were nothing short of shit-tastic, but as much as it sucked, it's amazing how much stronger I am because of it. I never thought 7 months could make such a difference, but they have. Nothing could have prepared me for how different life is after college and how fast it happens. There is no transition really, it's just one day you're studying your ass off for finals and then the next thing you know, you are spending all of your time trying to make yourself seem worthy on a piece of paper and trying to convince somoene, ANYONE, that you are worthy of work. Sounds blissful to not really have anything to do all day, every day, but it was the lowest I had ever felt. I had so much fear of never finding a job, screwing up every interview, destined to always fail. I really do think people have it right when they say this is the most difficult time in a persons life, and I hope that is true because it's really rough.

And now, while I do have a job and feel much better, it's not exactly the way I pictured my life. Sure, it's not like this is going to be my job forever, but you cant help but feel stuck. You are always told while growing up that you can do anything you want to do and be anyone you want to be, but I wonder if telling people this is more damaging than helpful. Just like when they said going to college was a guarantee to being successful. But maybe it's true that no matter how hard you try, there are some things that are just unattainable for this generation. And while I am not denying the importance of a degree, in today's world the value of a degree keeps decreasing. My generation is in a really tough spot because we were always told these things growing up but the opportunities that our parents had aren't available to us. So once we do find a job after college, it's usually just the first one we are offered, leaving us feeling the same way we felt when we were 18 years old working that crappy job that you always said would just hold you over until you got a "real" job.

So here I am, 24 years old and a college graduate, working a job I could have had at 18 years old. It's hard to not feel as if all of my hard work was a waste. I know it will benefit me in the future, but it seems almost impossible to cope with the fact that it could be many years before I have my "real" job that I always talked about, even though I still don't know what I want that job to be. *sigh* I just wonder how long it will take to finally feel successful..will I ever truly be satisfied?