Welcome to 2015!

Happy New Year!! I had an epic NYE for once. I have decided that sometimes being spontaneous works out so much better than making plans. After work last night I didn't even have plans for the evening and then made a random decision to meet some friends  for the Big D NYE party downtown.  I got to stand in a crowd of 40,000 people counting down to midnight and toast champagne while fireworks exploded. It was amazing. Even though it was freezing and it started pouring and sleeting  at 11:57 pm, I just embraced it and had a blast.

I hope everyone else has a great start to the year as well. I realize I haven't posted on here in awhile, almost a year actually. And considering my last post was all about the Super Bowl, it's only fitting that I start this post by saying I would be extremely stoked and spoiled if the Seahawks go again this year. Back to back is almost unheard of and my luck would probably make it so it won't happen but hey, we are only 2 weeks away from maybe doing it again! And I would probably die of pure joy. :-)

Anyways, enough about football, what else is new?! Well..not much! That may explain why I haven't posted in awhile. Not much to report. I mostly just make these posts for myself so I can look back and compare.  Still working at geico, it's been a little over a year now and I'm already being told to by management to post for a promotion.  I'm gonna wait it out a little longer though.  My level of claims had taken a year to master (and even then I haven't mastered it) and I am not quite ready to take bodily injury claims because that means negotiating with attorneys and lets be honest? My negotiation skills are lacking. They demand a million for pain and suffering and I'll offer them a million and a half hahaha. Anyway, it's a stressful job but it's a great company and it pays the bills. When I get my yearly bonus next month I plan to finally buy a new car.  My 2001 VW Passat is biting the dust. My car died on Christmas Eve in the middle of a 4 way stop and my dad and brother had to push me into the parking lot hahah. That's when I knew it may be tjme to move up in the world. Not excited to have car payments and higher insurance rates but I suppose since I'll be 29 this year, I should be a big girl. :) thinking maybe a new Honda civic or something.

Speaking of turning 29 this year, how the hell did that happen? Seems like just yesterday I was overwhelmed that I was officially in my 20s and in 5 months I will be celebrating my last birthday in my 20s. Thank God though. I have changed and grown up so much these last 9 years and as much as I miss a lot about those days, it's nice to feel stable and have your shit together. The only downside is I think im the only friend left my age that is still single with no kids. I gotta hurry before my eggs dry up hahaha. 5 of my friends on FB got engaged last night. #foreveralone #crazycatlady hahah. Oh that reminds me, I got a kitty in 2014! Back in June I adopted her. I don't even normally like cats but my cat is the shit. I named her Nylah. .

What else, hmmm. Well I survived the second Christmas holiday without my mom and its still so hard. I miss her every single day but I have gotten stronger. I talk about her a lot. I was in Seattle visiting my Aunt the week before Christmas and we talked about memories of my mom the whole time and instead of crying, this year we laughed. So it's improvement but man I do miss that lady.

That's all I've got for now. I'll post some photos from the year so I can look back on 2014 and smile. 'Twas a good year and cheers to 2015!

My new homemade seahawks scarf :)

 

Seahawks!!!!!!!

Ahhhh, I GOT MY WISH!!! Not only did I get to see my Seahawks go to the Super Bowl this year, I got to see them WIN the Super Bowl..and even better! (as if it couldn't get better...) I got to go to New York and actually BE AT THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, excessive capital letters and exclamation points but there are not enough exclamation points in the world to describe how amazing of an experience it was for me!

Beating our rivals (the 49ers) in the Championship game to go to the Super Bowl was one of the best nights ever because just as I was on top of the world about the win, I got a call 10 minutes later from an extended family member letting me know there was a ticket to Metlife stadium on Feb. 2nd in my name...and my airfare and hotel in times square were paid for! My jaw dropped, I almost fell on the floor. I couldn't believe it, but after a few laps around the bar screaming my lungs out in disbelief, I came to the realization that they weren't kidding! They were taking me (They're bronco fans) and all I had to bring was myself, they'd take care of the rest. I got to see NYC for the first time, it was amazing to be able to walk around the city all weekend high-fiving with random seahawk fans. The 12th man was everywhere and it was AWESOME! I felt like such a spoiled brat...but they told me after my horrendous 2013, they wanted to do something that would make me smile for years to come, and that sure did it. Them winning the Super Bowl was just an added bonus, but man, it was UNREAL!! We were in section 123, so my view was incredible, in the corner of the Broncos endzone.  I may have even been on TV!!??

So basically, between my new job, more money, The Seahawks winning the SB and my unexpected trip to NYC for the first time, only one month into 2014? It's safe to say this year is already off to an amazing start. I am going to Las Vegas for the first time ever in June for a family reunion with my dads side of the family. So all of my bucket list places (in the US at least) are getting checked off quickly. NYC and Vegas in one year, and last year I got to see Cali (Los Angeles, at that) for the first time. I'm just a travelin machine, ya'll! Hope whoever is reading this, if anyone, is having a great start to 2014 as well. I suppose I'll check back in next time something amazing (or not so amazing) happens. Until then..........much love to you!

Some Super Bowl pictures:

Good riddance 2013!

Well, I finally made it. Tomorrow marks the very last day of 2013, a bittersweet day for me. I finally can say goodbye to the worst year of my life, a year that brought me more pain than in all 27 years of my life combined. But to say goodbye to this year also feels sad to me, because for the first time in my life, I am bringing in a new year without my mom.  People use that last evening of the year to reflect on their year and what's to come, and it's hard to not feel overwhelmed with how much pain is in my heart. I know everyone says that she wants me to be happy but it's hard to not feel like it's so unjust to celebrate events without her, regardless of what she would "want". But as much as I hate it sometimes, I have to go on with my life... and I can only hope that 2014 will be an improvement  (how could it not?).

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I am going to try to focus on the good that has happened this year, even if the bad seems overshadow it. In October, the year took a little bit of a positive turn and I finally got out of the terrible job I was working, and though I only worked there for 8 months, it felt like 8 years. I had to literally pry myself out of bed every single day, going to that job made me physically sick to my stomach. It just added to my already depressed state and it was actually taking a toll on my health. My boss and I were never on the same page and not only was she making my life a living hell, I'm pretty sure I was making hers one as well.

So I then applied to just about every job I could find and had a ton of interviews set up, with my first interview being at Geico. 5 interviews later, I received a job offer to be a Liability Claims Adjuster. I wasn't sure how to feel about what the job entailed but when I found out the pay (my first salary job!) I knew I couldn't pass it up. So far it's been a great experience, it's an amazing company to work for.  I started the job a little over a month ago and I am so much happier. My first two weeks were state licensing, had to take a huge 200 question test to get my adjuster license. I passed that and moved onto the actual training. The training is 15 weeks, but I basically get paid to go to school. We have a teacher that lectures all day, we take quizzes, tests, just like college, except it's my job. There's a lot to learn and there are days my brain feels as though it can't absorb anything else, but I will start taking my own claims in February (with trainers to help) and then after 6 weeks of that, I will be on the floor by myself. It's no doubt going to be stressful and a huge workload, but I am confident I can handle it. I've also made a LOT of amazing friends and formed some awesome relationships just these last few months. I've also recently started dating a really awesome guy so if that turns out the way I hope it does, I can add that to my list of positives from 2013. OH, and how could I forget the AMAZING season the Seahawks have had in 2013. I will cry so many tears of joy if I can see them in the Superbowl this year (and a win at that!).

I suppose that's all the updates for now. Like I always say, I don't even think anyone reads this since I don't publish the link, but it just makes me feel better to write it out sometimes, not to mention it's nice to reflect back on.

Happy New Year blog world...and last but not least....GO SEAHAWKS!!

I know I dont post on here often, in fact I don't even think anyone even reads it, but that's ok with me. I really don't promote my blog much because it's mostly for me anyway.

Since I don't post often, it was only two posts ago where I talked about how excited I was for 2013. How I had a feeling THIS was going to be my year. I almost had to laugh when I ran across that blog post tonight, because I couldn't have been ANY more wrong about that if I had tried. It's only August and I can honestly say this has been the absolute worst year of my life.

I got a new job 6 months ago that I was so excited about and now I am miserable because it's not for me. But most importantly is I lost my mom, the most important person in my life. It's been four months since she died and there are days I dont even know how I am still going on with my life. Kind of feels like I am just going through the motions most days. I am totally fine some days and then other days, something random will remind me of her and I just have a complete meltdown. I so badly wish I could have had closure. The bright side of her dying so suddenly is that she never had to suffer or be fearful of death, but for the ones left living, it's torture to have it happen so unexpectedly and never have any closure. God I miss her so much it hurts.

Its so unfair. She had so much life left to live. I needed more time with her. I often wonder about how sad it will be to not have her there to help me pick out my wedding dress or the day I give birth to my children. And even then, to add to the list of shit, I don't see any of that happening in the near future because I cannot find a guy that is just NORMAL! I thought I found "the one": this year, but after only weeks. my feelings went from "he is the one" to complete and utter confusion as to why I even wanted to have a conversation with him. Either I am the most fickle and hard to please person out there or I just have not met the right guy. But damn...I sure hope it's the latter, because I would rather be single forever than settle with some weirdo. All I know is that I wanted to have kids by 30, well seeing as how I am 27, that doesnt give a whole lot of time. Especially considering it takes awhile of dating before marriage, and even after marriage you shouldnt jump right into having kids. I hate to think in those terms and I don't wanna rush anything but damn. I would like to do this stuff while my dad is at least alive...I only have one parent left for crying outloud :(

This blog is all over the place. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I am just getting out my frustrations with everything that has happened this year. Also, today is August 13th, which marks ONE year since my dog cocoa (she was my best friend) suddenly passed away. Damn, can I just say one more time..fuck this year. The Seahawks better make me proud this season so I can at least have one good thing happen this year.

The day my life turned upside down...

I think it's safe to assume that most people hate April 15th. It's the dreaded tax day that always creeps up on us. And as of this year, it will be remembered as the tragic day of the Boston bombings. But April 15th now has a whole new meaning to me. April 15th, 2013, my life changed forever and it will always be a painful reminder of the worst day of my life. My mom suddenly passed away on April 15th, one week ago today.

You always hear people tell you to cherish the ones you love because you never know when they may suddenly slip away from you. I've heard it all of my life. Yet, even though I knew it was true, I always thought those kinds of things happen to other people. Other people lose their moms or dads. Not me. Now I sit here, almost numb from crying endless hours each day since her passing, wondering how this could happen to me. Not just to me and those that loved her, but to her. I am only 26, I am too young to lose my mom. and she was too young to die.

I find myself now almost hating everyone who is lucky enough to still have their moms. People who are in their 50s and 60s still talking about their mothers still being alive. How can I not feel so incredibly cheated after hearing that? Sure, you could argue that I was lucky enough to even have a mom to begin with, or to have a mom that saw me grow into an adult, and while that is true, I am at a very tricky time in my life. I am just now growing into an adult, starting a career, and have yet to be married or have kids. I think knowing I won't be able to share the joy of my wedding day and the birth of my children with my mom is the most painful part of it all. I am at a very new and scary stage in my life, a time where I need my mom. When I have kids and they turn out to be as difficult as I was, I won't be able to turn to her and ask how she dealt with me. I won't be able to bring her along with me to help pick out my wedding dress. The list goes on...I feel cheated. I am so angry. I almost wish she had been sick so that I could have prepared. You can never truly prepare for death and I know it's never easy. But it was so unexpected..such a shock..how do you ever recover? One minute your talking to your mom on the phone and 3 hours later she is dead. How do people ever get through situations like this????

I am just a roller coaster of emotions right now and I cannot figure out how I will ever resume a normal life.  My friends have been so supportive and amazing but at the end of the day, as cruel as it may sound, I cannot feel comforted by those who still have both of their parents. I just cant. And their support means a lot to me and I will never push it away, but it's just not as helpful as I wish it could be. No one can understand until they have been there.

So now I begin the journey of learning to live without my mom, a road that will be filled with constant ups and downs. A road that will have constant reminders of my mom, and I know one day those reminders will make me smile instead of cry. A road that will be filled with many days of yearning to hear her voice. A road that will be filled with many holidays of which will never be the same without my moms cooking and laughter. It's a road I am not looking forward to going down but I know she didn't spend almost 27 years raising me to have me give up now or lose my enthusiasm for life. There are so many days that I just want to crawl into a ball, cry, and never, ever wake up. But I have to be strong for her. She loved life and I must live my life the same way, to honor her.

If you still have your mom, call her now, tell her you love her. Hug her every chance you get. Because right now, in my eyes, you are the luckiest person in this world. 

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right

Happy (belated) New Year! I mentioned back in December that I had a really good feeling about 2013, a feeling I had never had about an upcoming year. Normally, my view on the new year was just "another day" but something inside of me told me this year was going to be different for me. I had no idea what, but I was very confident that this was going to ring true.

Well, here we are, only a few days into February, and already my life is about to change drastically. I just got promoted to HR Coordinator at the Westin! It's insane to me to think that I am actually going to be doing exactly what I went to college for! They say most people don't actually work in the field that they perused their degree in, but I can happily say I am not a part of that statistic. The day I went to my college orientation, I told my counselor I wanted to go into Human Resources. A lot of people scratch their head and wonder why HR, but I just think it fits my personality and I love the idea of working "behind the scenes" at a job. Being the glue that holds the organization together and helping to make it a great place to work. I think I have the kind of attitude that would make people excited to talk to HR, not scared, since it's seen as "The Principals Office" at most organizations. There are many downsides to the position, such as the disciplinary part of it, the public speaking, and just having to be very careful to be PC. I am going to have to strive hard to draw the line between friendship and work, because HR is a very confidential field. But I think if my job depends on it, I can succeed on drawing that line, even if it's my nature to get really close to the people I work with. At least I can be close with my fellow HR ladies at the hotel!

But the best part?! A set schedule, M-F, 8-5. I have never had a job like that. No more nights, weekends, holidays. I can actually, dare I say, have a LIFE! Let's not forget to mention the amazing raise and the extra 1,000 dollars a month. Woo!

Needless to say, I am scared as hell, and really hope I succeed at this job, but I am ready to dive in and start something new!

On another note for 2013, I also thought this would be the year that the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl, and although we we got close, it was a no go. Bummer about that, but I have a feeling this upcoming season will be the best yet and I am very confident that by December of this year, it will be very clear that we are on our way to the SB at this time next year :) I sure as hell hope I am right this time, because nothing would mean more to me than seeing my team hold that Lombardi trophy for the first time!

So here's to 2013 being the best yet! Let's cross every finger and toe!

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

Well, believe it or not, as of this month, it has now been THREE years since I graduated from college and moved back to Texas. How this is possible, I am still not sure! So much has happened since then, but at the same time, it seems like just yesterday I was cramming for my last finals and stressing about the move. And as crazy as it sounds, I feel like I have developed/changed more in these 3 years than I did the first 23 years before that.

I will start by saying that I have not changed the core of Sarah, which will always be a very open, fun loving and quirky person. There are things about me, just like anyone else, that will never change. and I will never change to an unrecognizable me, but the changes I have gone through have shaped me into a full blown and independent woman in so many ways. I have become strong, and most importantly, I am finally learning how to love myself the way I deserve.

My biggest problem my entire life has been basing my self worth on someone elses opinion on me. And I don't just mean family/friends, I mean ANYONE. A complete stranger could have a bad first impression of me, tell me about it, and I suddenly felt as if the way they viewed me was the truth. But over the last year, a LOT of negative and hurtful things have been done to me, I have realized just how damaging it can be to let these situations or people define me. I am realizing that you are the ONLY person that can decide the truth of who you really are. How others perceive you is completely out of your control, so why worry?!

Making a great impression on people is important when it comes to making friends, landing jobs, etc. But there is only so much you can do, because people will still form their own opinions based on many things that may be out of your control. And at the end of the day, someone you barely know, does it matter what they think? If someone sees me as a girl worth just fucking and nothing more, does that mean its true? No. I am more than that.  But it's so easy to let someone treating you badly make you feel as if you deserve it, since that is how they perceived you. You must have done something to make them think that, right? NO. That's their own blindess, not yours. Just like if a guy rapes a woman, but she was wearing suggestive clothing and was flirting with him all night. Does that mean it's her fault? Absolutely not. A man may perceive a woman as easy because of how she dresses or flirts, but does that mean she up for anyones grab? Hell no. I could go on all day, really. But these are all just examples of how easy it is to let someone elses poor decision/action reflect upon how you see yourself. You can control how you present yourself, but you cannot control what others choose to see.

So as 2013 approaches, I continue to reflect on the person I have become over the last few years, all the things I have gone through to make me the strong person that I have become. It's so cliche, but without all the terrible things that have happened to me, I wouldn't be learning what I am now. I am going to be me, live my life, and if you don't like it...your loss.

It only hurts when I'm breathing...

I understand why things had to happen this way, I understand why he is causing me this pain. But the mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. The feeling is there, regardless of it being the right thing. They say that many times, what is best for us, also hurts the most. But they also say that pain is our body letting us know something is very wrong. So which is it? Am I experiencing this pain because my body wants to let me know that it's not ok and that it shouldn't be happening? A possible sign that him no longer being in my life is a bad thing?

But I know that isn't the case. I know, deep down, that this is for the best. For an entire year I have been putting off the inevitable. I knew that what we had shared, regardless of how right it felt, was only temporary. Unfortunately, many times, we meet the right people at the wrong time. The timing wasn't there, that ship had sailed, and I knew that from the start - in fact, we both did. But at the end of the day, the thought of stopping hurt worse than the thought of continuing on in a fantasy world.

Finally, the fantasy world is coming to an end and reality has fallen on top me like a ton of bricks. But what hurts even more than knowing we will miss out on each others lives, is knowing that one day, eventually, I will rarely enter his mind. There will come a time he will no longer be in love with me. Me, on the other hand? I will always be in love with him. And well........that. fucking. sucks.

“I got my heart's desire, and there my troubles began.”

For the first time in my life, I had finally felt desire. Desire was a feeling I thought I had become familiar with in my past, always longing for monetary items, or to simply be somebody that I was not. But this desire was nothing like envy. This desire was something that, for once in my life, was not because I wanted to fill a void. This was not a superficial desire in any shape or form. This was a desire unlike anything I had ever felt before. An overwhelming need that overtook every cell in my body, every fiber of my being. There was no fighting it, no matter how hard I tried to push this feeling aside. It seemed as if the harder I fought this feeling, the harder it slammed into me, like a tidal wave during a hurricane, causing me to lose my footing, no matter how snug my feet felt in the sand.

This tidal wave of desire not only knocked me over, but it swept me up and carried me into a sea of confusion. On one hand, I was happy to be in an ocean I had never been in before, but because of this, I was unable to swim. I was not prepared, I had no paddle boat, no life jacket. The only thing that would keep me afloat was the one thing I was not able to have, so I slowly began to drown. I know I must swim back to land, where it is safe, but if I do, the excitement of the sea will no longer be with me. Just when the waters seem calm enough to swim back and save myself, the storm rolls in and the current sweeps me back under again.

As exhilarating as these waters can be, I know I must learn to swim against the current if I ever have a chance of making it out alive. Once I make it back to land, I will be grateful that I finally had a real taste of the ocean. Next time I venture into the water, I will make sure I am not alone.

Success is a journey, not a destination...

I posted a blog about 2 years ago talking about my struggles of life after college, the never ending interviews, phone calls, and the uncertainty of what direction to steer my life. So here I am, 2 years later, still in the same boat. Sure, I can admit things are better now than they were then. I have held a job in the same industry for 2 years now, I live on my own and am able to make ends meet, and feel like an independent woman. But am I any closer to knowing what I am really doing with my life? Hell no.

I will be 26 years old next month and I feel like I am hitting a rather interesting age. It's like I'm stuck in a awkward phase in between young adult and just..adult. It's frightening because I know I am reaching an age where I should no longer be living like a college student, eating top ramen every week and scraping the couch for change in order to put gas in my tank. I know I am in this boat with many people my age and older, and our economy is still not in the best shape. But money aside, what about the fact that I am still working a job that any idiot could get, even without my college degree? What about the fact that I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do? People tell me that even in their 40's they still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. But it seems that these people, at the very least, know what they'd love to do if they could. What they're truly passionate about.

How is it that I don't know what I am passionate about? People ask me all the time what I truly love to do and the fact that I cannot really come up with an answer scares me. Yes, there are things I enjoy in life, but nothing that stands out. This is where my fears set in. I know I am still young. I am, in no way, thinking I am old enough to have it all figured out. But at least an idea would be nice. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but it's starting to become so repetitive and not fulfilling at all. Not to mention I know I am capable of so much more. We all have to start somewhere to move up the ladder..but the question is, move up where? I don't even think I like the hospitality industry anymore. I have a few years of it under my belt now and the idea of staring over in another industry sucks. Obviousy 2-3 years of experience is nothing in the grand scheme of my life, but I just don't know what direction to go and I feel stuck. I am tired of being paid like a high school student, barely able to pay my bills every month, not having any idea of what I am passionate about, and seeing no end in site.

I'm sure we all have felt this way at one point in our lives, but sometimes it just hits me hard to think that in 4 years I will be 30 and I feel like I am still stuck in the same mindset as I was when I was 18. Some say your 20s are the best years of your life...I sure hope they are wrong. I am just hoping and praying that one day it will just hit me, or something will come up and I will just know that a better and more rewarding opportunity is in my hands.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof"

I actually feel sick to my stomach when I hear the name Rick Santorum, as I do with almost all of the candidates running for the Republican party. I can't stand how closed minded these people are. Obama recently said in a speech that we are no longer a Christian nation, therefore it is dangerous to make policies based on Christianity. We have every religion under the sun living here in America, including non believers. Everyone has a right to their own religion, and their own right to practice those beliefs on a daily basis and raise their families to believe those same. But no one, NO ONE, has the right to make policies that we must ALL adhere to, based on ONE religion, when we are not a nation of one religion. 

I want my future kids and grandkids to grow up in a world where policy is not dictated by one particular group's idea of morality, but of a universal morality that benefits all while still allowing people the ability to believe and practice what they wish in a way that does not limit the rights and freedoms of others.

You have every right to disown your sons and daughters because you believe homosexuality is a sin, but let the rest of our children marry whom they wish.

You have every right to work hard and make millions of dollars so as to provide for your family, but do not make things harder for the rest of us by taking away workers rights, benefits, and social programs. We are a society, not a social-Darwinist dystopia.

You have every right to forgo contraception or save sex 'til marriage, but do not make the rest of us jump through hoops because of religious doctrine we don't adhere to.

Righteous jerks telling others what to do and believe is the whole damned reason people came to America in the first place. There is a whole political party full of people who seem to have forgotten that.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

I recently watched a movie called "Prelude to a kiss", starring Meg Ryan and Alec Baldwin. It's an older movie, so I was surprised I had never seen it before. It was such a wonderful movie that truly touched me and opened my eyes. The message the movie sends is to love someone for their soul and nothing else, because spending your life with the right person means EVERYTHING. I know this all sounds very cliche, but what is the point of life if we aren't spending it with someone who truly completes us and brings us joy? I know so many people who settle, and it seems like such a waste of our already short lives.

I mean, if you really think about it, life is pretty rough. Not to be cynical, but the struggles in life are constant and sometimes we must wonder what the point of it is? If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, the answer to this question may be simple. But for people like me, who aren't really sure what happens after life or if anything happens after life, this is a much more difficult question to answer. So the way I see it, life is a struggle, but if there is any point to it all, it's to go through the struggles with someone who can bring a smile to your face and help you through it all; to turn the negative experiences into positive ones and make you see life in a way you would never see on your own. Here is a quote from the movie that really opened my eyes:

"Think about how we're born....and we go through the struggle of growing up and learning the multiplication tables and the name for everything. The rules. How not to get run over. Braid your hair. Pig Latin. Just all the effort in getting a job. Probably something you don't even like doing for not enough money, and that's if you’re lucky. That's if you’re not born in Calcutta or the U.S. without money. Then there's your marriage, having your own kids. You know? And your children are going through the same struggle all over again, only worse for them, because somebody's trying to sell them crack in the first grade by now. And all this time you’re paying taxes, your hair starts to fall out. And you’re wearing six pairs of glasses which you can never find. And you can't recognize yourself in the mirror. And if you live long enough, you finally get to watch everybody die. All your loved ones, your wife or your husband, your kids maybe. And you’re totally alone. And as a final reward for all this. You disappear. No one knows where."

I know it sounds pretty cynical, but it's true. Life seems to be a never-ending cycle of struggle, but a struggle for what exactly? So we can have money? But then what? We may have a nice house, car, nice things, but does that suddenly give life meaning? None of that stuff really matters in the end because looks fade away and possessions lose their importance. The one thing in life that never fades, with the right person, is the love you share with them.

So we all need to learn to love people for the right reasons and choose our partners wisely. Don't settle for anyone who brings you down, because life will do that enough on it's own. Be with someone who can make you smile even while tears are streaming down your face. Because to me, that makes all of the struggles in life worth it.

Post-College Depression

Well, here we are, a year and a half later! I completely forgot I even had this journal, but I've decided I wanted to start writing again. I was reading Cody's blog earlier and it inspired me to start writing in mine again. So thank you, Cody!

Who knows if this is just a phase, just like the last time I got the urge to write. I wrote about 3 entries and completely abandoned it. I am hoping this time will be different, because nothing feels better than just getting things off of my chest, even if no one reads this. I feel like I have more to say these days (Imagine that, me, with MORE to say? scary!) but the last time I began blogging, I was just living a typical college life. Going to school (And by that I mean skipping 50% of the time and putting off homework until the last minute) and partying. Not exactly much to talk about, it was a pretty "blah" and unfulfilling lifestyle.

It really is amazing to me to see that only a year and a half later, I feel like a completely different person. Obviously this is partly due to the fact that I am in a different location 1000's of miles away and living a different life, but I truly feel smarter, wiser, and so much more prepared for what lies ahead. But with that being said, I am still a nervous wreck when I think about the fact that there is no going back. I am an adult, and no longer have the "still going to school" excuse for why I am working a crappy job.

The last 7 months after college were nothing short of shit-tastic, but as much as it sucked, it's amazing how much stronger I am because of it. I never thought 7 months could make such a difference, but they have. Nothing could have prepared me for how different life is after college and how fast it happens. There is no transition really, it's just one day you're studying your ass off for finals and then the next thing you know, you are spending all of your time trying to make yourself seem worthy on a piece of paper and trying to convince somoene, ANYONE, that you are worthy of work. Sounds blissful to not really have anything to do all day, every day, but it was the lowest I had ever felt. I had so much fear of never finding a job, screwing up every interview, destined to always fail. I really do think people have it right when they say this is the most difficult time in a persons life, and I hope that is true because it's really rough.

And now, while I do have a job and feel much better, it's not exactly the way I pictured my life. Sure, it's not like this is going to be my job forever, but you cant help but feel stuck. You are always told while growing up that you can do anything you want to do and be anyone you want to be, but I wonder if telling people this is more damaging than helpful. Just like when they said going to college was a guarantee to being successful. But maybe it's true that no matter how hard you try, there are some things that are just unattainable for this generation. And while I am not denying the importance of a degree, in today's world the value of a degree keeps decreasing. My generation is in a really tough spot because we were always told these things growing up but the opportunities that our parents had aren't available to us. So once we do find a job after college, it's usually just the first one we are offered, leaving us feeling the same way we felt when we were 18 years old working that crappy job that you always said would just hold you over until you got a "real" job.

So here I am, 24 years old and a college graduate, working a job I could have had at 18 years old. It's hard to not feel as if all of my hard work was a waste. I know it will benefit me in the future, but it seems almost impossible to cope with the fact that it could be many years before I have my "real" job that I always talked about, even though I still don't know what I want that job to be. *sigh* I just wonder how long it will take to finally feel successful..will I ever truly be satisfied?

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

So today has been kind of a emotional roller coaster. I have experienced every single emotion in the book today, it's been kinda strange. I was really angry when I woke up because I just couldn't seem to sleep for the life of me and my cat was irritating me. Then I was really happy because after months of being ignored by a friend, I finally got in contact with him and kind of feel like I have closure now. The happiness only lasted for about 2 minutes, which then quickly turned to sadness because I learned the reasons as to why he stopped talking to me..and I felt like an asshole for not even realizing that I was hurting him. Cool. But at least we are civil now...it's just a bummer that I will probably never get to talk to him again. but I guess that happens sometimes..It's just really nice to have closure.

I feel relieved because it adds peace to my life, because even though I rarely ever have enemies, I really hate having pent up anger towards anyone. It's something that carries with me forever and I notice that I always have dreams about the person I have pent up anger with. It's like I have so much I want to say to that person and I dream about being able to finally say it..and it feels great. But then i wake up and realize it was a dream and I go back to being angry. it's a vicious cycle. Like I said, there is really only one or two people in my life I have this issue with, but I just want to let it go. They are not worth my time and I would much rather dream about more exhilarating things. I know for damn sure they don't dream about me or even think about me, so why must I hold on to it? Why must I let myself care about someone who doesn't care about me? Rule in life: Never make someone a priority, who only makes you an option.

Anyways, so i was kinda bummed out all day because of that situation, and then I looked at my bank account and about broke down into tears because my money is disappearing so fast and it's all gone to bills. It's not like I've been irresponsible and bought myself all kinds of goodies, so at least I can say that. Even though I have a job now, it's not going to be very many hours. Like I said in a previous entry, my dad says I need to pay all of my bills from now on. That's AT LEAST 600 a month (thats IF i only eat like..once a day)...So after doing the math of how many hours I will be getting a week, I started having a panic attack basically when I realized there is no effing way I will be able to do this while I am going to school full time. I would have to get a 2nd job. So I called my mom in desperation and thank god she offered to loan me 200 dollars every month until summer to at least help with my rent portion of the bills. So between my moms money and my job, I *might* be able to make enough. And I tell ya, I couldn't be happier. She is amazing and a lot more understanding than my father. I know he is trying to teach me responsibility, and once I graduate college and get a job, I don't believe they ever have any obligation to help me pay my bills. but right now I need them, and I am so thankful for my mom for doing this. She even said she'd send me an extra 100 next month because the only pair of jeans I have are ripping and I can't even afford pants.

So anyway, now I am very relieved, but still sad about this days previous events. and bummed that I'm still sick and this weekend has been a complete bore. Maybe I'm just PMSing haha..but goodnesss...way too much emotion going on right about now. I'd say overall I am doing pretty good now knowing that I can pay my bills. I even signed up for about 5 websites that pay you to take surveys haha. I'm gonna find a way to make it by. :) If anyone has any other tips on making little bits of money here and there on the internet..let me know. every cent counts!

First day

So, I have caved in and decided to finally get a blogger. I figured I might feel more compelled to write blogs on a snazzy little website like this, rather than myspace. I don't know, something about myspace blog bugs me. I probably would get 10x more readers on my myspace blog, since most people I am friends with don't have a a blogger, but oh well. I just feel like sharing my thoughts with the world, and even if that means I am the only one that ends up reading them, then that's ok :) It would be nice to pick up some followers along the way, so maybe I can catch your interest.