There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

Well, believe it or not, as of this month, it has now been THREE years since I graduated from college and moved back to Texas. How this is possible, I am still not sure! So much has happened since then, but at the same time, it seems like just yesterday I was cramming for my last finals and stressing about the move. And as crazy as it sounds, I feel like I have developed/changed more in these 3 years than I did the first 23 years before that.

I will start by saying that I have not changed the core of Sarah, which will always be a very open, fun loving and quirky person. There are things about me, just like anyone else, that will never change. and I will never change to an unrecognizable me, but the changes I have gone through have shaped me into a full blown and independent woman in so many ways. I have become strong, and most importantly, I am finally learning how to love myself the way I deserve.

My biggest problem my entire life has been basing my self worth on someone elses opinion on me. And I don't just mean family/friends, I mean ANYONE. A complete stranger could have a bad first impression of me, tell me about it, and I suddenly felt as if the way they viewed me was the truth. But over the last year, a LOT of negative and hurtful things have been done to me, I have realized just how damaging it can be to let these situations or people define me. I am realizing that you are the ONLY person that can decide the truth of who you really are. How others perceive you is completely out of your control, so why worry?!

Making a great impression on people is important when it comes to making friends, landing jobs, etc. But there is only so much you can do, because people will still form their own opinions based on many things that may be out of your control. And at the end of the day, someone you barely know, does it matter what they think? If someone sees me as a girl worth just fucking and nothing more, does that mean its true? No. I am more than that.  But it's so easy to let someone treating you badly make you feel as if you deserve it, since that is how they perceived you. You must have done something to make them think that, right? NO. That's their own blindess, not yours. Just like if a guy rapes a woman, but she was wearing suggestive clothing and was flirting with him all night. Does that mean it's her fault? Absolutely not. A man may perceive a woman as easy because of how she dresses or flirts, but does that mean she up for anyones grab? Hell no. I could go on all day, really. But these are all just examples of how easy it is to let someone elses poor decision/action reflect upon how you see yourself. You can control how you present yourself, but you cannot control what others choose to see.

So as 2013 approaches, I continue to reflect on the person I have become over the last few years, all the things I have gone through to make me the strong person that I have become. It's so cliche, but without all the terrible things that have happened to me, I wouldn't be learning what I am now. I am going to be me, live my life, and if you don't like it...your loss.

It only hurts when I'm breathing...

I understand why things had to happen this way, I understand why he is causing me this pain. But the mere understanding does not chase away the hurt. The feeling is there, regardless of it being the right thing. They say that many times, what is best for us, also hurts the most. But they also say that pain is our body letting us know something is very wrong. So which is it? Am I experiencing this pain because my body wants to let me know that it's not ok and that it shouldn't be happening? A possible sign that him no longer being in my life is a bad thing?

But I know that isn't the case. I know, deep down, that this is for the best. For an entire year I have been putting off the inevitable. I knew that what we had shared, regardless of how right it felt, was only temporary. Unfortunately, many times, we meet the right people at the wrong time. The timing wasn't there, that ship had sailed, and I knew that from the start - in fact, we both did. But at the end of the day, the thought of stopping hurt worse than the thought of continuing on in a fantasy world.

Finally, the fantasy world is coming to an end and reality has fallen on top me like a ton of bricks. But what hurts even more than knowing we will miss out on each others lives, is knowing that one day, eventually, I will rarely enter his mind. There will come a time he will no longer be in love with me. Me, on the other hand? I will always be in love with him. And well........that. fucking. sucks.

“I got my heart's desire, and there my troubles began.”

For the first time in my life, I had finally felt desire. Desire was a feeling I thought I had become familiar with in my past, always longing for monetary items, or to simply be somebody that I was not. But this desire was nothing like envy. This desire was something that, for once in my life, was not because I wanted to fill a void. This was not a superficial desire in any shape or form. This was a desire unlike anything I had ever felt before. An overwhelming need that overtook every cell in my body, every fiber of my being. There was no fighting it, no matter how hard I tried to push this feeling aside. It seemed as if the harder I fought this feeling, the harder it slammed into me, like a tidal wave during a hurricane, causing me to lose my footing, no matter how snug my feet felt in the sand.

This tidal wave of desire not only knocked me over, but it swept me up and carried me into a sea of confusion. On one hand, I was happy to be in an ocean I had never been in before, but because of this, I was unable to swim. I was not prepared, I had no paddle boat, no life jacket. The only thing that would keep me afloat was the one thing I was not able to have, so I slowly began to drown. I know I must swim back to land, where it is safe, but if I do, the excitement of the sea will no longer be with me. Just when the waters seem calm enough to swim back and save myself, the storm rolls in and the current sweeps me back under again.

As exhilarating as these waters can be, I know I must learn to swim against the current if I ever have a chance of making it out alive. Once I make it back to land, I will be grateful that I finally had a real taste of the ocean. Next time I venture into the water, I will make sure I am not alone.

Success is a journey, not a destination...

I posted a blog about 2 years ago talking about my struggles of life after college, the never ending interviews, phone calls, and the uncertainty of what direction to steer my life. So here I am, 2 years later, still in the same boat. Sure, I can admit things are better now than they were then. I have held a job in the same industry for 2 years now, I live on my own and am able to make ends meet, and feel like an independent woman. But am I any closer to knowing what I am really doing with my life? Hell no.

I will be 26 years old next month and I feel like I am hitting a rather interesting age. It's like I'm stuck in a awkward phase in between young adult and just..adult. It's frightening because I know I am reaching an age where I should no longer be living like a college student, eating top ramen every week and scraping the couch for change in order to put gas in my tank. I know I am in this boat with many people my age and older, and our economy is still not in the best shape. But money aside, what about the fact that I am still working a job that any idiot could get, even without my college degree? What about the fact that I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do? People tell me that even in their 40's they still don't know what they want to be when they grow up. But it seems that these people, at the very least, know what they'd love to do if they could. What they're truly passionate about.

How is it that I don't know what I am passionate about? People ask me all the time what I truly love to do and the fact that I cannot really come up with an answer scares me. Yes, there are things I enjoy in life, but nothing that stands out. This is where my fears set in. I know I am still young. I am, in no way, thinking I am old enough to have it all figured out. But at least an idea would be nice. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but it's starting to become so repetitive and not fulfilling at all. Not to mention I know I am capable of so much more. We all have to start somewhere to move up the ladder..but the question is, move up where? I don't even think I like the hospitality industry anymore. I have a few years of it under my belt now and the idea of staring over in another industry sucks. Obviousy 2-3 years of experience is nothing in the grand scheme of my life, but I just don't know what direction to go and I feel stuck. I am tired of being paid like a high school student, barely able to pay my bills every month, not having any idea of what I am passionate about, and seeing no end in site.

I'm sure we all have felt this way at one point in our lives, but sometimes it just hits me hard to think that in 4 years I will be 30 and I feel like I am still stuck in the same mindset as I was when I was 18. Some say your 20s are the best years of your life...I sure hope they are wrong. I am just hoping and praying that one day it will just hit me, or something will come up and I will just know that a better and more rewarding opportunity is in my hands.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof"

I actually feel sick to my stomach when I hear the name Rick Santorum, as I do with almost all of the candidates running for the Republican party. I can't stand how closed minded these people are. Obama recently said in a speech that we are no longer a Christian nation, therefore it is dangerous to make policies based on Christianity. We have every religion under the sun living here in America, including non believers. Everyone has a right to their own religion, and their own right to practice those beliefs on a daily basis and raise their families to believe those same. But no one, NO ONE, has the right to make policies that we must ALL adhere to, based on ONE religion, when we are not a nation of one religion. 

I want my future kids and grandkids to grow up in a world where policy is not dictated by one particular group's idea of morality, but of a universal morality that benefits all while still allowing people the ability to believe and practice what they wish in a way that does not limit the rights and freedoms of others.

You have every right to disown your sons and daughters because you believe homosexuality is a sin, but let the rest of our children marry whom they wish.

You have every right to work hard and make millions of dollars so as to provide for your family, but do not make things harder for the rest of us by taking away workers rights, benefits, and social programs. We are a society, not a social-Darwinist dystopia.

You have every right to forgo contraception or save sex 'til marriage, but do not make the rest of us jump through hoops because of religious doctrine we don't adhere to.

Righteous jerks telling others what to do and believe is the whole damned reason people came to America in the first place. There is a whole political party full of people who seem to have forgotten that.

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.

I recently watched a movie called "Prelude to a kiss", starring Meg Ryan and Alec Baldwin. It's an older movie, so I was surprised I had never seen it before. It was such a wonderful movie that truly touched me and opened my eyes. The message the movie sends is to love someone for their soul and nothing else, because spending your life with the right person means EVERYTHING. I know this all sounds very cliche, but what is the point of life if we aren't spending it with someone who truly completes us and brings us joy? I know so many people who settle, and it seems like such a waste of our already short lives.

I mean, if you really think about it, life is pretty rough. Not to be cynical, but the struggles in life are constant and sometimes we must wonder what the point of it is? If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, the answer to this question may be simple. But for people like me, who aren't really sure what happens after life or if anything happens after life, this is a much more difficult question to answer. So the way I see it, life is a struggle, but if there is any point to it all, it's to go through the struggles with someone who can bring a smile to your face and help you through it all; to turn the negative experiences into positive ones and make you see life in a way you would never see on your own. Here is a quote from the movie that really opened my eyes:

"Think about how we're born....and we go through the struggle of growing up and learning the multiplication tables and the name for everything. The rules. How not to get run over. Braid your hair. Pig Latin. Just all the effort in getting a job. Probably something you don't even like doing for not enough money, and that's if you’re lucky. That's if you’re not born in Calcutta or the U.S. without money. Then there's your marriage, having your own kids. You know? And your children are going through the same struggle all over again, only worse for them, because somebody's trying to sell them crack in the first grade by now. And all this time you’re paying taxes, your hair starts to fall out. And you’re wearing six pairs of glasses which you can never find. And you can't recognize yourself in the mirror. And if you live long enough, you finally get to watch everybody die. All your loved ones, your wife or your husband, your kids maybe. And you’re totally alone. And as a final reward for all this. You disappear. No one knows where."

I know it sounds pretty cynical, but it's true. Life seems to be a never-ending cycle of struggle, but a struggle for what exactly? So we can have money? But then what? We may have a nice house, car, nice things, but does that suddenly give life meaning? None of that stuff really matters in the end because looks fade away and possessions lose their importance. The one thing in life that never fades, with the right person, is the love you share with them.

So we all need to learn to love people for the right reasons and choose our partners wisely. Don't settle for anyone who brings you down, because life will do that enough on it's own. Be with someone who can make you smile even while tears are streaming down your face. Because to me, that makes all of the struggles in life worth it.