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Monday, December 30, 2013

Good riddance 2013!

Well, I finally made it. Tomorrow marks the very last day of 2013, a bittersweet day for me. I finally can say goodbye to the worst year of my life, a year that brought me more pain than in all 27 years of my life combined. But to say goodbye to this year also feels sad to me, because for the first time in my life, I am bringing in a new year without my mom.  People use that last evening of the year to reflect on their year and what's to come, and it's hard to not feel overwhelmed with how much pain is in my heart. I know everyone says that she wants me to be happy but it's hard to not feel like it's so unjust to celebrate events without her, regardless of what she would "want". But as much as I hate it sometimes, I have to go on with my life... and I can only hope that 2014 will be an improvement  (how could it not?).

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest, I am going to try to focus on the good that has happened this year, even if the bad seems overshadow it. In October, the year took a little bit of a positive turn and I finally got out of the terrible job I was working, and though I only worked there for 8 months, it felt like 8 years. I had to literally pry myself out of bed every single day, going to that job made me physically sick to my stomach. It just added to my already depressed state and it was actually taking a toll on my health. My boss and I were never on the same page and not only was she making my life a living hell, I'm pretty sure I was making hers one as well.

So I then applied to just about every job I could find and had a ton of interviews set up, with my first interview being at Geico. 5 interviews later, I received a job offer to be a Liability Claims Adjuster. I wasn't sure how to feel about what the job entailed but when I found out the pay (my first salary job!) I knew I couldn't pass it up. So far it's been a great experience, it's an amazing company to work for.  I started the job a little over a month ago and I am so much happier. My first two weeks were state licensing, had to take a huge 200 question test to get my adjuster license. I passed that and moved onto the actual training. The training is 15 weeks, but I basically get paid to go to school. We have a teacher that lectures all day, we take quizzes, tests, just like college, except it's my job. There's a lot to learn and there are days my brain feels as though it can't absorb anything else, but I will start taking my own claims in February (with trainers to help) and then after 6 weeks of that, I will be on the floor by myself. It's no doubt going to be stressful and a huge workload, but I am confident I can handle it. I've also made a LOT of amazing friends and formed some awesome relationships just these last few months. I've also recently started dating a really awesome guy so if that turns out the way I hope it does, I can add that to my list of positives from 2013. OH, and how could I forget the AMAZING season the Seahawks have had in 2013. I will cry so many tears of joy if I can see them in the Superbowl this year (and a win at that!).

I suppose that's all the updates for now. Like I always say, I don't even think anyone reads this since I don't publish the link, but it just makes me feel better to write it out sometimes, not to mention it's nice to reflect back on.

Happy New Year blog world...and last but not least....GO SEAHAWKS!!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I know I dont post on here often, in fact I don't even think anyone even reads it, but that's ok with me. I really don't promote my blog much because it's mostly for me anyway.

Since I don't post often, it was only two posts ago where I talked about how excited I was for 2013. How I had a feeling THIS was going to be my year. I almost had to laugh when I ran across that blog post tonight, because I couldn't have been ANY more wrong about that if I had tried. It's only August and I can honestly say this has been the absolute worst year of my life.

I got a new job 6 months ago that I was so excited about and now I am miserable because it's not for me. But most importantly is I lost my mom, the most important person in my life. It's been four months since she died and there are days I dont even know how I am still going on with my life. Kind of feels like I am just going through the motions most days. I am totally fine some days and then other days, something random will remind me of her and I just have a complete meltdown. I so badly wish I could have had closure. The bright side of her dying so suddenly is that she never had to suffer or be fearful of death, but for the ones left living, it's torture to have it happen so unexpectedly and never have any closure. God I miss her so much it hurts.

Its so unfair. She had so much life left to live. I needed more time with her. I often wonder about how sad it will be to not have her there to help me pick out my wedding dress or the day I give birth to my children. And even then, to add to the list of shit, I don't see any of that happening in the near future because I cannot find a guy that is just NORMAL! I thought I found "the one": this year, but after only weeks. my feelings went from "he is the one" to complete and utter confusion as to why I even wanted to have a conversation with him. Either I am the most fickle and hard to please person out there or I just have not met the right guy. But damn...I sure hope it's the latter, because I would rather be single forever than settle with some weirdo. All I know is that I wanted to have kids by 30, well seeing as how I am 27, that doesnt give a whole lot of time. Especially considering it takes awhile of dating before marriage, and even after marriage you shouldnt jump right into having kids. I hate to think in those terms and I don't wanna rush anything but damn. I would like to do this stuff while my dad is at least alive...I only have one parent left for crying outloud :(

This blog is all over the place. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I am just getting out my frustrations with everything that has happened this year. Also, today is August 13th, which marks ONE year since my dog cocoa (she was my best friend) suddenly passed away. Damn, can I just say one more time..fuck this year. The Seahawks better make me proud this season so I can at least have one good thing happen this year.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The day my life turned upside down...

I think it's safe to assume that most people hate April 15th. It's the dreaded tax day that always creeps up on us. And as of this year, it will be remembered as the tragic day of the Boston bombings. But April 15th now has a whole new meaning to me. April 15th, 2013, my life changed forever and it will always be a painful reminder of the worst day of my life. My mom suddenly passed away on April 15th, one week ago today.

You always hear people tell you to cherish the ones you love because you never know when they may suddenly slip away from you. I've heard it all of my life. Yet, even though I knew it was true, I always thought those kinds of things happen to other people. Other people lose their moms or dads. Not me. Now I sit here, almost numb from crying endless hours each day since her passing, wondering how this could happen to me. Not just to me and those that loved her, but to her. I am only 26, I am too young to lose my mom. and she was too young to die.

I find myself now almost hating everyone who is lucky enough to still have their moms. People who are in their 50s and 60s still talking about their mothers still being alive. How can I not feel so incredibly cheated after hearing that? Sure, you could argue that I was lucky enough to even have a mom to begin with, or to have a mom that saw me grow into an adult, and while that is true, I am at a very tricky time in my life. I am just now growing into an adult, starting a career, and have yet to be married or have kids. I think knowing I won't be able to share the joy of my wedding day and the birth of my children with my mom is the most painful part of it all. I am at a very new and scary stage in my life, a time where I need my mom. When I have kids and they turn out to be as difficult as I was, I won't be able to turn to her and ask how she dealt with me. I won't be able to bring her along with me to help pick out my wedding dress. The list goes on...I feel cheated. I am so angry. I almost wish she had been sick so that I could have prepared. You can never truly prepare for death and I know it's never easy. But it was so unexpected..such a shock..how do you ever recover? One minute your talking to your mom on the phone and 3 hours later she is dead. How do people ever get through situations like this????

I am just a roller coaster of emotions right now and I cannot figure out how I will ever resume a normal life.  My friends have been so supportive and amazing but at the end of the day, as cruel as it may sound, I cannot feel comforted by those who still have both of their parents. I just cant. And their support means a lot to me and I will never push it away, but it's just not as helpful as I wish it could be. No one can understand until they have been there.

So now I begin the journey of learning to live without my mom, a road that will be filled with constant ups and downs. A road that will have constant reminders of my mom, and I know one day those reminders will make me smile instead of cry. A road that will be filled with many days of yearning to hear her voice. A road that will be filled with many holidays of which will never be the same without my moms cooking and laughter. It's a road I am not looking forward to going down but I know she didn't spend almost 27 years raising me to have me give up now or lose my enthusiasm for life. There are so many days that I just want to crawl into a ball, cry, and never, ever wake up. But I have to be strong for her. She loved life and I must live my life the same way, to honor her.

If you still have your mom, call her now, tell her you love her. Hug her every chance you get. Because right now, in my eyes, you are the luckiest person in this world. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right

Happy (belated) New Year! I mentioned back in December that I had a really good feeling about 2013, a feeling I had never had about an upcoming year. Normally, my view on the new year was just "another day" but something inside of me told me this year was going to be different for me. I had no idea what, but I was very confident that this was going to ring true.

Well, here we are, only a few days into February, and already my life is about to change drastically. I just got promoted to HR Coordinator at the Westin! It's insane to me to think that I am actually going to be doing exactly what I went to college for! They say most people don't actually work in the field that they perused their degree in, but I can happily say I am not a part of that statistic. The day I went to my college orientation, I told my counselor I wanted to go into Human Resources. A lot of people scratch their head and wonder why HR, but I just think it fits my personality and I love the idea of working "behind the scenes" at a job. Being the glue that holds the organization together and helping to make it a great place to work. I think I have the kind of attitude that would make people excited to talk to HR, not scared, since it's seen as "The Principals Office" at most organizations. There are many downsides to the position, such as the disciplinary part of it, the public speaking, and just having to be very careful to be PC. I am going to have to strive hard to draw the line between friendship and work, because HR is a very confidential field. But I think if my job depends on it, I can succeed on drawing that line, even if it's my nature to get really close to the people I work with. At least I can be close with my fellow HR ladies at the hotel!

But the best part?! A set schedule, M-F, 8-5. I have never had a job like that. No more nights, weekends, holidays. I can actually, dare I say, have a LIFE! Let's not forget to mention the amazing raise and the extra 1,000 dollars a month. Woo!

Needless to say, I am scared as hell, and really hope I succeed at this job, but I am ready to dive in and start something new!

On another note for 2013, I also thought this would be the year that the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl, and although we we got close, it was a no go. Bummer about that, but I have a feeling this upcoming season will be the best yet and I am very confident that by December of this year, it will be very clear that we are on our way to the SB at this time next year :) I sure as hell hope I am right this time, because nothing would mean more to me than seeing my team hold that Lombardi trophy for the first time!

So here's to 2013 being the best yet! Let's cross every finger and toe!