The day my life turned upside down...

I think it's safe to assume that most people hate April 15th. It's the dreaded tax day that always creeps up on us. And as of this year, it will be remembered as the tragic day of the Boston bombings. But April 15th now has a whole new meaning to me. April 15th, 2013, my life changed forever and it will always be a painful reminder of the worst day of my life. My mom suddenly passed away on April 15th, one week ago today.

You always hear people tell you to cherish the ones you love because you never know when they may suddenly slip away from you. I've heard it all of my life. Yet, even though I knew it was true, I always thought those kinds of things happen to other people. Other people lose their moms or dads. Not me. Now I sit here, almost numb from crying endless hours each day since her passing, wondering how this could happen to me. Not just to me and those that loved her, but to her. I am only 26, I am too young to lose my mom. and she was too young to die.

I find myself now almost hating everyone who is lucky enough to still have their moms. People who are in their 50s and 60s still talking about their mothers still being alive. How can I not feel so incredibly cheated after hearing that? Sure, you could argue that I was lucky enough to even have a mom to begin with, or to have a mom that saw me grow into an adult, and while that is true, I am at a very tricky time in my life. I am just now growing into an adult, starting a career, and have yet to be married or have kids. I think knowing I won't be able to share the joy of my wedding day and the birth of my children with my mom is the most painful part of it all. I am at a very new and scary stage in my life, a time where I need my mom. When I have kids and they turn out to be as difficult as I was, I won't be able to turn to her and ask how she dealt with me. I won't be able to bring her along with me to help pick out my wedding dress. The list goes on...I feel cheated. I am so angry. I almost wish she had been sick so that I could have prepared. You can never truly prepare for death and I know it's never easy. But it was so unexpected..such a shock..how do you ever recover? One minute your talking to your mom on the phone and 3 hours later she is dead. How do people ever get through situations like this????

I am just a roller coaster of emotions right now and I cannot figure out how I will ever resume a normal life.  My friends have been so supportive and amazing but at the end of the day, as cruel as it may sound, I cannot feel comforted by those who still have both of their parents. I just cant. And their support means a lot to me and I will never push it away, but it's just not as helpful as I wish it could be. No one can understand until they have been there.

So now I begin the journey of learning to live without my mom, a road that will be filled with constant ups and downs. A road that will have constant reminders of my mom, and I know one day those reminders will make me smile instead of cry. A road that will be filled with many days of yearning to hear her voice. A road that will be filled with many holidays of which will never be the same without my moms cooking and laughter. It's a road I am not looking forward to going down but I know she didn't spend almost 27 years raising me to have me give up now or lose my enthusiasm for life. There are so many days that I just want to crawl into a ball, cry, and never, ever wake up. But I have to be strong for her. She loved life and I must live my life the same way, to honor her.

If you still have your mom, call her now, tell her you love her. Hug her every chance you get. Because right now, in my eyes, you are the luckiest person in this world.